Internal Resources for Resilience

On the outside, it looks like I am just standing there, talking to people like nothing is wrong. I fake a smile, because I know that is socially appropriate.

I don’t want them to know something is wrong.

But on the inside…

The world feels like it is falling in.

EMOTIONS ARE LOUD, clamoring for attention in my brain.

It’s like those press conferences when aggressive reporters bombard the speaker with provocative questions, yelling over each other.

Nothing makes sense.

Why can’t I think?

I am aware of my racing heart.

I feel like everything I need to do is important and I am immobilized, trying to figure out what to do. I can’t think.

What is wrong with me?

Why can’t I think? I feel so stupid! This is not a big deal, I should be able to handle this.

Emotions swirling, swirling. Actually it’s not like a press conference, it’s like I am caught up in a tornado of frenzied emotions, tasks, accusations. Hanging on until I can get away from people, away from stressors, but they just. keep. coming.

Welcome to the inner workings of a brain that is experiencing a stress response.

Our bodies have natural ways to deal with threats and are designed to shift into flight or flight to take action to find safety in the midst of stressors. Ideally, we shift back down into a resting state, where we can function optimally.

If we encounter stressors that are too big, or too many, or go on for too long, it’s very easy to shift into another trauma response by freezing. We start shutting down because we become overwhelmed by our stressors. We no longer think we have the ability to cope and our body starts bracing for impact. 

I adapted this chart from a much more detailed one by Ruby Jo Walker. I have simplified the stress responses, but her chart is worth a click as it describes what happens in the body when we are dealing with stressors.

What goes on inside greatly influences how we deal with our stressors.

Someone who is resilient is someone who knows what they need to do to shift back down to that resting state.

Last week I wrote about many factors that impact resilience.

Although they do all sort of overlap and influence each other, in my opinion, someone’s internal resources may have the most impact on their ability to effectively deal with threats and downregulate afterwards.

Internal resources are powerful because they are within our control.

I’ve written before about the circle of control. Identifying what we can control and what we can’t control can be helpful in understanding our motivations and finding a sense of power and peace in our circumstances.

When we focus on those internal resources, we focus on what we can control: our thoughts, our feelings, our actions.

Let’s take a look at some of the internal resources that are important for resilience.

Internal Resources for Resilience

• Curiosity

  Sometimes I feel like a broken record in urging people to be curious about their experiences. Curiosity leads to awareness, and awareness of our internal reactions are critical to finding clarity. 

  When we get curious about what is going on in our bodies, we can recognize that we are in a stress state. 

  We can slow down what is happening so we can identify the different parts of it. Did that person really just say that? Or did they say something more neutral and I interpreted what they said through my own personal trauma trigger?

  Curiosity also keeps our internal critic in check. That inner critic gets loud about what we might be doing wrong because it wants to protect us from the consequences of making mistakes.

  It tends to make a big deal of little things. (I am speaking from personal experience here)

  When we get curious, we can satisfy that part that wants to make sure we are paying attention to what is going on.

  It is a way of noticing our reactions, others’ reactions and deciding on the best course of action from a non-judgemental stance. 

  Think about when you are dealing with the natural consequences of a mistake. Does it ever help to pile shame on top of how you are already feeling?

  Curiosity helps keep the shame at bay so we can see the issue more clearly.

• Optimism

  This is a bit of an umbrella resource. Under this umbrella we find a cluster of internal resources like hope, self efficacy, confidence, gratitude.

  When we have an optimistic outlook, we are looking for the good. Any good. 

  When we can see that there is something good, it keeps us out of that all-or-nothing thinking that keeps us stuck.

  We can get stuck in negative emotions, but we can get stuck in inactivity, too.  If we think everything is all bad, it feels like nothing will make a difference, when the reality is that little things do make differences.

  Small changes add up and turn difficult situations around over time.

  Hope can feel almost painful when we go through dark times. Especially when we are hoping for something outside of our control and we find our hopes dashed again and again. But it is important to hang onto that possibility that things could get better.

  Hope contributes to perseverance and keeps us focused in a future direction.

  Self-efficacy and confidence are extremely similar. Self-efficacy is the belief that we can do something.

  We can handle it.

  We can do that hard thing. We can figure it out.

  We can step out in courage and try again.

  Self-confidence also speaks to our ability to get through anything, but we also can have confidence in things outside of ourselves. This is where the overlap with other resilient factors come in.

  When we have a good support system, we can have confidence that we are not alone.

  When we have a solid belief system, it often includes reasons to be confident. As a Christian, I find myself feeling comforted that I need to make sure I seek God’s will on anything I do, and I can leave the outcome up to Him. My confidence is not in my ability to be ok, but in God’s ability to “work all things together for good” (Romans 8:28).

  Gratitude is an optimistic mindset as well, because it focuses our brain on what we have instead of what we don’t. It helps us recognize that things aren’t 100% bad.

•  Perseverance

  This internal resource helps us with self-efficacy, because it is the ability to tolerate discomfort.

  Nobody likes discomfort. Nobody likes pain, whether it is emotional pain or physical pain.

  But pain happens in life. We can’t always avoid it.

  I am not saying we do not do something to address our pain and make it better, but usually addressing our pain takes some time and effort.

  The other aspect of self-efficacy that leans on perseverance is the way we look at our mistakes.

  Perseverance tries again. And again. And tries something different. And maybe something else. And regroups and thinks of other things to try.

  Perseverance knows that mistakes are not fatal, that there is something to learn with each mistake.

  Perseverance also includes patience. Often when we find ourselves in difficult times, there is no quick solution. We have to work through many steps to start digging out of it. We have to keep that long-game mindset in sight and trust that the little things we are doing are slowly making a difference.

• Humility

  Humility is an accurate sense of self-esteem.

  It can see the good things about ourselves, but also can see the areas where we need to grow.

  Humility is critical for relationships, because none of us do relationships perfectly.

  Humility allows us to consider other perspectives instead of assuming we are always right. We have to be able to sometimes say, “I’m sorry,” “I was wrong.”

  Humility also normalizes asking for help. It acknowledges that of course we are not perfect.

  We need others to teach us, offer a helping hand, or just be with us.

  We need to be humble enough to ask for those things.

• Courage

  We tend to think of courageous people as people who are not afraid to do something. We don’t think about the fact that usually, the “something” is a scary thing, and they are afraid, they just take action in spite of their fear.

  As Franklin D. Roosevelt once said, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”

  Courage ties in with optimism by keeping hope in sight. Courage believes that tolerating the discomfort of action will be worth it. 

  Courage may be a good babystep to confidence. Confidence may feel like a bridge too far, but courage gives us that little push to try. Combined with perseverance, we keep trying until the confidence comes.

• Flexibility

  Creativity also comes into play with flexibility. We need to be able to think outside the box and be willing to do something a different way.  

  If we are set in rigid ways of doing things, it will not occur to us to try something different. Often we deliberate between options a and b, but option c  turns out to be the one that makes a difference in the situation. Sometimes by playing around with the variables within the struggle we can find a way through the struggle.

  We can accommodate what others need from us while we go through the struggle and thus go through it together instead of alone.

I am sure there are other internal resources that contribute to resiliency, but these are the ones that came to my mind most readily.

These are often the ones I talk to clients about.

These are the ones that I credit with my own resiliency. 

As always, I am here if you are looking for some help to bolter your internal resources for resiliency! 

Sometimes we all need to borrow someone else’s hope until we are confident enough to build our own. 

I am happy to lend it.

Reference

Walker, R. J. (2023). Polyvagal Theory. Retrieved from https://www.swtraumatraining.com/_files/ugd/0b3865_0c80e1ea2b664e929808b3823d596a65.pdf

Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her office in Carlisle, PA. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.