The hard parts are what really grew me and helped me develop the resilience I needed to function in this lifestyle. Resilience is one of those qualities that transfers to other areas of our lives, and for that, I am so very grateful.

Resilience is not the only lesson I’ve learned.

It is important to be very thoughtful and deliberate when we face these life transitions.

Sometimes life doesn’t let us take time to be thoughtful; sometimes those transitions happen fast and are forced upon us. Even when that happens, we can usually figure out a way to carve out some time to slow down and be intentional about how we move through the transition. This is time well spent.

She looked around the echo-y house that held the memories of the most recent chapter of their lives. With all the boxes packed and loaded onto the moving truck, husband and kids settled into a temporary lodging facility, she is alone with the echoes.

And her emotions.

Ohhhh the emotions.

Those don’t pack up so easily.

Catastrophizing is a cognitive distortion, meaning it is a way our brains can play tricks on us.

If we have anxiety or a trauma past, this kind of thinking can become habitual, automatic.

Like breathing. (but shallow and fast)

With all or nothing thinking, our brain distorts situations into extremes.

Brains seem to like to sort things into tidy, polarized categories. It requires more thought to deal with things in the middle; the middle is messy and keeps us going back and forth.

Chucking it into the “all” box or the “nothing” box is much easier on the brain, so that’s what it does.

Life is full of stuff we just can’t control. The harder we try, the more frustrating it becomes that we can’t control it. Meanwhile, we lose presence, joy, peace, and focus while we are distracted by our attempts to control.

It’s a delicate balance between changing for someone else and changing because of the relationship.  Between changing to fit in, to be accepted or changing for personal growth and relational healing. If you decide you want to make some changes, here are some strategies to try, based on the three types of perfectionists I’ve written about before.

Perfectionism can show up in different ways. You might have high expectations of yourself, you might perceive that others have high expectations of you, or you may have high expectations of others.

Or you might experience any combination of the three.

We all want a lasting, absolutely complete cure for the thing that drag us down and get in the way of our lives.

I wish it was that easy.

When it comes to perfectionism, we tend to think the “cure” is to just be perfect at everything all the time without fail.

Then I will be good enough.

This is exactly what keeps us spending countless hours striving and worrying about our mistakes.

Is perfectionism all good? Or is it all bad? Classifying things neatly on opposing sides seems to wrap it up in a tidy way so our brains know what to do with it. However, many things in life are on more of a spectrum than a clear cut dichotomy, and perfectionism is no different. Perfectionism, is not all bad, but it’s not always good.

It’s hard to catch ourselves being perfectionists because perfectionism feels normal and the beliefs that drive it are often far below the surface of our awareness.

Perfectionism, like high-functioning anxiety can actually help us achieve things. We think it’s a good thing and we strive harder.

It is one of those “humble brags.” When that interviewer asks you to name your strengths and weaknesses, perfectionism is an acceptable weakness because, in theory, it will benefit your employer.

But does it?

It actually can get in the way of productivity, and it definitely gets in the way of life satisfaction.

Guiding principles help us connect to our values, because our values inform our guiding principles. They give us a layer of security when we want to waffle in indecision, overthinking, people pleasing, or perfectionism. Once we catch ourselves lacking a sense of peace about a decision, it’s time to revisit the guiding principles.

There are a lot of extra things on our to-do lists during the holiday season. There are also a lot of extra things on our calendars during the holiday season (reducing the likelihood of accomplishing all the things on the to-do list). Mix that up with the expectations of others (real and/or perceived) and the meanings we have attached to doing all the things and we have the ingredients for a hot mess. So far, I am just writing about the “extra” Christmas things – It gets even more complicated when we add in the difficult family dynamics that go on behind closed doors in our families.

Mindfulness is a way to bring yourself into the present moment by focusing on your body, your surroundings, what is happening in and around you right here, right now.

Before we dive into this too much, I want to clear up some possible misconceptions about what self-care actually is, and what it’s not.

Many people seem to think that self-care is spa days and bubble baths and spending huge amounts of time and money on yourself.

Some think it is too self-focused, that it is selfish and causes people to become prideful and greedy.

I grew up recognizing advent as a symbolic way to anticipate and remember Jesus coming to earth on Christmas. This year, I created some journal prompts for each advent week. I’d love for you to journal along with me. Feel free to pick and choose the prompts that speak to you.

Compassion and understanding show up when we try to expand our polarized mindsets to include some alternate possibilities.

Gratitude. It may not feel super-effective when it is forced, but sometimes we have to force it so that we can get into the habit of being grateful. This is a quality that successfully increases with a fake it ‘til you make it approach.

The extra events and to-do list items can be tough for anyone. Those who have challenging family dynamics, grief, and/or an adjustment to some kind of new “normal” can find the holidays to be extra difficult. Anxiety ramps up, and the holidays offer a smorgasbord of unhealthy coping strategies: obligations to shop and advertising that talks you into spending more, freely-flowing alcohol and high sugar/high fat foods, endless events that can keep you from slowing down to feel your feelings, and that false reassurance that if you do enough you can make Christmas magical for everyone around you.

Last week I wrote about many factors that impact resilience.

Although they do all sort of overlap and influence each other, in my opinion, someone’s internal resources may have the most impact on their ability to effectively deal with threats and downregulate afterwards.

Internal resources are powerful because they are within our control.