She didn’t text back right away.

She hates me.

Husband forgot to tell you he was going socialize with his coworkers after work.

He should be home by now! He must be dead in a ditch.

College daughter texts in the middle of the night. You frantically grab for your phone to read the text, already thinking,

She’s stranded at a frat party. She’s been raped. She’s drunk and can’t get home.

Welcome to the catastrophizing brain.

The catastrophizing brain is especially skilled at coming up with horrific worst case scenarios sure to give you fodder to ruminate on for hours on end.

It serves them up with a side of racing heart, shallow breathing, dilated pupils, and often a sweaty or clammy feeling.

Catastrophizing is a cognitive distortion, meaning it is a way our brains can play tricks on us.

If we have anxiety or a trauma past, this kind of thinking can become habitual, automatic.

Like breathing. (but shallow and fast)

We don’t even know we are doing it.

Let’s narrow the focus to how catastrophizing might show up for a perfectionist.

Mistakes

For the perfectionist, any mistake can be catastrophic.

It’s not so much about the actual consequences of the mistake bringing about a catastrophe, but the fact that the mistake will show that you are not perfect feels like a catastrophe.

Oh my goodness, I can’t remember that person’s name! She is going to think I am the most insensitive person ever! (Actually, she probably has forgotten yours, too. We are all humans and do not have an infinite capacity to remember things.)
I lost track of time and now I am late! They are going to think I am so flighty and irresponsible! (Insert over-explanation of why you are late here).

Failures

Failures can include mistakes, but a failure can also result in trying your best and doing everything you knew to do and not getting the result you hoped for.

In this way, a failure makes a perfectionist feel like the spotlight is once again, shining on the fact that you are not perfect.

Sometimes it is not even about what you did or didn’t do – maybe it was an expectation you held that wasn’t completely realistic in the first place. Maybe you thought you had more control over something than you actually did, and you feel like a failure because you couldn’t achieve your expected outcome.

Perfectionists often project these failures into a vision of their character.
Failures become a definition of who you believe you are instead of a way to identify what skills/qualities you may need to work on so you can achieve your goals.

I did not RSVP for that event in time, and now my child will be so upset with me. All the other kids will be there, and my child will feel so left out. I am a failure as a mom and my child will never forgive me.

I didn’t get that job. I thought I was perfectly suited for it, but I must be wrong about myself. I am a failure and I probably won’t get any job.

Weakness

Weakness can show up as physical weakness, especially for those who are athletes. However, we tend to assign strength to many other behaviors as well. You may feel a sense of weakness if someone knows you are not perfect. It is a vulnerability, and perfectionists go to great lengths to hide any hints of vulnerabilities.

I have to know all the answers the teacher might ask, because I’ll look weak if I answer the question wrong.
I have to over-research this topic because I need to be able to answer the person in my life who is questioning my views on this topic.
I have to smile and stuff my feelings down so I look like I am handling this well. I need to look resilient, not weak.

These scenarios feel catastrophic to the perfectionist because they trigger feelings of “not enough” and those feelings feel catastrophic. Remember, cognitive distortions usually get started as coping. Somewhere along the way, our brain latched on to a message that it wasn’t safe for us to be anything less than perfect, therefore, mistakes, failures, weaknesses are catastrophic.

I made the mistake of wearing something that wasn’t stylish in 7th grade. My classmates made fun of me, and I was rejected from social groups.
Dad is an alcoholic. I have to be hypervigilant about making sure I do not give him a reason to find fault with me, or I will not be safe. Perfection keeps me safe.

What can you do to work on catastrophizing?

Abdominal breathing

You may be thinking you already know how to do abdominal breathing, but you might want to give it a google. Often people do not breath deeply enough when they try to do this, and it’s super important to really make sure you are bringing in a lot of oxygen when you try this.

Notice with curiosity and compassion

(You will want to notice with judgment and criticism but that is probably going to make everything worse).

What part of you feels afraid to make mistakes?
What is it afraid will happen?
What makes sense about that?
What does the afraid part need in order to be reminded that it can handle whatever might happen?

Think the possible catastrophes through (maybe!)

This is a choice point. Sometimes it can be helpful to indulge in thinking through what we would do if these horrible things were to happen. This exercise can bring clarity on what the real fear is, and what things we can do to address the fear. Alternatively, it can bring clarity on the very slim likelihood that the feared outcomes may ever happen. Or, the realization that you will be ok even if the worst happens.

BUT, if you are someone who already is aware of a struggle with obsessive thoughts, or intrusive thoughts, or overthinking of any kind, you may want to skip this step.

Acknowledge it and move on.

Whether you made a plan to address the fears or whether you skipped that step, the next step is to acknowledge it (so your brain knows you are paying attention) and move on (so you don’t keep fueling your thoughts about it.)

This is easier said than done, but when we already know that there is a thought trying to come up all the time, we can just say, “Yep, I see you there, and we are not doing this today.”

That is the acknowledging part. The moving on part involves forcing yourself to think of something else. You can even make yourself a list ahead of time so you have a bunch of other things you are ready to think about.

A word of caution, if this is happening when you are trying to sleep, don’t think of anything terribly exciting, or the good thoughts might keep you up!

Instead, think of something boring, like a mental inventory of your closet, or think of the things you like about yourself (if you have low self-esteem, your brain will think this is boring, and thinking these things may help with your self esteem as well).

Maybe just count your breaths and concentrate on breathing in a word, like “Peace” and breathing out another word, like “stress.”

Remember, it is a process to learn how to address catastrophizing. You are not going to do it perfectly the first time or all the time.

It took a long time to settle into this coping habit, and it might take a long time to change the way you think about these things.

Therapy can help address the unique specifics that you are dealing with in a way a blog post just cannot, so if you find yourself stuck in perfectionist catastrophizing, you might want to consider this route. Let me know if I can help.

Reference:

(1) Wilson, R. (2009). Don't panic: Taking control of anxiety attacks (3rd Edition). HarperPerennial.

Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.

Perfectionism and Catastrophizing