“Oh, that’s just how I am. I am a perfectionist. You’ll just have to get used to it.”

Not to sound like Dr. Phil, but how’s that working for you?

It’s one thing to know and embrace who you are, flaws and all. It’s quite another to live with bad habits that might be interfering with your relationships and just dismiss them.
*“That’s just me.”*

It can be hard to know the difference, I know.

It’s a delicate balance between changing for someone else and changing because of the relationship. Between changing to fit in, to be accepted or changing for personal growth and relational healing.

Sometimes we need to dig deep into the “why?” of making changes.

Am I trying to make up for the negative way that person must think of me?
Do I know what that person actually thinks of me?
Have they shared their feelings in a respectful way because they want deeper connection with me?
Do they have a point? Try to look at it really objectively. Can you see where they are coming from?
Or have they shared their feelings in a flippant way, comparing me with someone else who may or may not even be a real person?
Did they share their feelings in a moment of conflict, deflecting attention from what they might be doing wrong?
Did they share their feelings at all? Maybe they don’t even think anything negatively about me.
Do I notice disconnection, or get a sense that this relationship could be deeper or more satisfying?

So yeah, the question of “to change or not to change” deserves a lot of thought, and maybe even some conversations with a neutral observer.

Perfectionism creates a lot of issues in relationships though, so if you want to make some changes, here are some strategies to try, based on the three types of perfectionists I’ve written about before.

3 Approaches to Addressing Perfectionism

1. You have high expectations of yourself

Journal your wins

When we went on vacation recently, there was no shortage of sweet fruity drinks in fun colors. Every time I quenched my thirst it was a little party of hydration. Coming home and drinking plain water all the time again was an adjustment. I forgot that water is normal hydration, and actually, very satisfying. I had to re-define my hydration.

You may need to re-define “win.”

A mistake can actually be a win, because you can learn something from it.

Something you did to make some progress can be a win.

Celebrating another’s achievements can be a win.

Take some time each day to write down the things that went well.

Work hard to recognize and document your wins.

Challenge yourself to make (little) mistakes so you can get comfortable with reframing them as learning.

Notice how the world keeps turning, even when you made a mistake.

Notice how you are able to handle the discomfort of living with a mistake.

Notice what you learned about yourself or about what you need to figure out to move forward.

You can do this same process with doing something in a way that just feels “good enough” to you.

Notice how much extra time you have to do other things you enjoy (because you didn’t spend so much time on the good enough thing)

Expectations perceived from others

Journal about your sense of identity.

Remind yourself who you were when you were little, when you didn’t really care much about what others thought of you. Write about your likes and dislikes, your hopes and dreams, what makes you feel all lit up inside. Write about what you want it to mean to be you.

Stop engaging in scrolling/movies/books anything that triggers you to compare yourself to other people.

Notice how you feel when you have spent time on social media. If you recognize a familiar “not good enough” feeling when a certain social media account pops up, unfollow it.

This is not putting your head in the sand and denying that people who do something better than you exist. This is recognizing that you are out of balance in expecting to be just like them, and you need a little distance from that behavior for a while.

Ask others for clarification when you find yourself assuming you know what they are thinking.

This is a huge one! So often our imaginations fill in what we think others feel about us, and they are often dead wrong! It’s another way our brains may be trying to protect us – it will fill in with worst case scenario details so that we can be ready (and pleasantly surprised) if it’s not actually that bad. But the problem is, when we charge off reacting to those worst case scenario details as if they are true, we can often make the situation much worse than it ever was to begin with.

Check out my previous resources on people pleasing and boundaries.

Expectations placed on others

Ask yourself if it is possible that their way can be ok?

When someone does something different than you would, it’s easy to assume that they are not doing it right. We have a natural bias to think that our way is the right way. But the reality is that they just may think differently. And, sometimes it might even be (dare I say?) better!

Do I drive home the same way my husband does? Nope. Do I give him a hard time about that? Also nope. It just isn’t worth arguing about. His way might be faster, but mine is prettier.

Sometimes we have solid reasons why we have to do things a certain way, but often there is some wiggle room if we can slow ourselves down and be curious about someone else’s way of doing things.

Delegate something to someone else as an experiment.

Notice your discomfort with someone besides you doing the thing with curiosity and compassion. Notice the things that worked out well with the way someone else did it – especially if it was a big departure from what you would have done.

For all 3 types (and any combination thereof)

Catch the “Shoulds.”

The word “should” is often a clue that there is an expectation involved, and when there is an expectation involved, we need to evaluate it.

S – Stop

Recognize there is an expectation somewhere. Find it.

H - Hug myself

Yeah, this was a stretch to find an “h” word. But it is important to get ourselves into a stance of self-compassion. From there you can put your “curious and compassionate observer” hat on.

O - Observe

Objectively

Open myself to other possibilities and viewpoints

What is really going on here?

What would someone looking from the outside in think of what is going on here?

U - Understand my motives

Remember we can’t read minds or control others, so focus in on what is going on for me.

Have I felt this way before?

Am I trying to control what others think of me?

Am I trying to control others’ actions?

Is there a moral code I am measuring myself against? If I have a value system that guides my actions, this is important to consider here.

L - Look for my values related to this issue.

Identifying our values helps us remember who we are, what we want to be all about. It can really bring clarity and confidence when we perceive a “should” that goes against our values.

D - Do the thing in a way that lines up with my values

- or - Delegate

This one has options. I’m going to do it myself, do it my way, or do it someone else’s way because I am at a place of peace with that option.

Or

I’m going to let someone else do it, and decide to be okay with it. This can also be in line with my values, or it can be an experiment in what happens if someone does it differently?

Regardless of what type of perfectionist you may be, you have some ways forward in working on the mindsets and behavior that interfere with your life satisfaction.

Reach out if you want some help figuring it out and putting it into action for yourself.

Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.

What To Do About Perfectionism