Re-Defining Normal
I wish you could have seen how ridiculous our first Christmas tree looked. My husband and I married in our mid-twenties, so we each lived on our own for a few years. We had our own Christmas tree concepts, and they were fabulous. When we blended them, it was Star Wars and trains meets Victorian roses and pointsettias. And don’t even get me started on the debate we had about the lights! I wanted solid, all white lights. He wanted multi-colored flashing ones. We settled on all red lights that have a slow twinkle option, and almost 24 years later, that’s what we still have.
(but I do have my own, beautiful tree in my office!)
Relationships are a hotbed for the clash of personal “normals,” which in turn generates all kinds of anxiety and stress related to perfectionism, people-pleasing, and overthinking. Nothing seems to bring out relationship issues like the holidays.
Last week I wrote about expectations and assumptions around the holidays. This week I want to go a little deeper and discuss how we develop those expectations and assumptions in the first place.
For me, my first married year, but especially Christmas helped me realize that not everyone is like my family. It wasn’t just the tree, but it was the timing of Christmas dinner (he was used to a dinner on Christmas day, my family always had the big meal on Christmas Eve).
Gift giving was a whole thing, but there was room for grace until kids came along. For example, in his house, Santa wrapped the things that went inside stockings (and in my house, he didn’t). In his house there was something unwrapped that Santa left on display for the morning. Yeah, that was a new one for me. My family tore into their gifts all at the same time, and the wrapping paper mess was part of the fun. His family had a system: the youngest opens all their presents first, and the next oldest has a trash bag to immediately take care of any wrapping paper. The oldest person unwraps their gifts last. (In case you are wondering, they don’t go around the room and each person opens a present because kids do not always understand that a Christmas budget might buy 10 gifts for your brother but 6 for you. All the gifts, one at a time, solves that problem.)
We had to nail down how we would do Christmas as a couple, very aware that we were setting our own traditions. For the most part it was fun, but unfortunately many clashes of “normal” feel very isolating and invalidating.
We intertwine our identity so much with what we have deemed “normal” that being asked to consider another perspective feels like we are being dismissed, discarded, misunderstood.
Everyone’s “normal” is different, and therein lies the problem. It might be helpful to take a look at how we create our “personal normal” in the first place.
Completely unpacking each of these categories is outside the scope of this blog post, but in a nutshell, our “personal normals” are composed of:
Personality/Personal wiring
We were born with our own personalities. Ask anyone with more than one child, and they will tell you that their kids were all different from each other, from day one. I can remember being very anxious about taking my infant daughter on her first plane trip, but she was completely content because she was already an extravert. She had a captive audience of people who would smile and make faces at her the whole time, which energized her and kept her happy.
In addition to personality, we just have different lenses of looking at the world. Another of my daughters was given a task of sorting buttons in kindergarten. Her teacher was confused until my daughter explained that she did not sort by size or color; she sorted by how many holes each button has. There are deeply rooted brain differences that give us all unique perspectives on ourselves, the world around us, and how things work.
Family of origin
This is just how the counseling field refers to the family someone grew up in. It is relevant to therapy in many ways, but in context of “personal normal” this is really where we develop the backdrop of what life is like. It is our first context, the one we spend the most time in during our formative years. We learn to operate by unspoken family rules and we don’t realize that other families do not have those same rules. A family atmosphere of overt love and acceptance is very different than a family atmosphere of isolation and criticism.
Sometimes we end up doing things a certain way because that is how we have seen it done. For example, I didn’t know that other people close their oven door when they are using the broiler until my husband asked why I left it open. I don’t know why I always leave it open, I always thought that was something crucial to using the broiler function of an oven (remind me to ask my mom about that). It still feels “wrong” to me to close the oven door when I am using the broiler.
Values
This really ties in with our family of origin, but we develop personal values that defines our sense of “normal”. I don’t think there was ever less than 3 cats in our home at any given time during my childhood, so I grew up with an innate value of being kind to animals. Having animals in the home feels “normal” to me, but not to everyone. Often our family gets us started towards certain values, but as we live and grow in the world we develop our own.
Many couples are great parents because they can blend their values and work as a team. A lot of times dads highly value helping a child grow up to be a responsible independent human, while moms place a higher value on making sure the child feels loved. Kids need both, and each parent values both but to different degrees. This creates balance in how the child grows up.
Sometimes we develop values around things we grow up with that we do not want to repeat, which leads right into the next one.
Personal Oaths
Sometimes we experience something that makes us say, “I will never_____________.” It could be something small and silly. For example, my parents told me repeatedly to “Drive carefully.” I used to really hate it; it made me feel like they had no trust in my driving ability. Of COURSE I am going to drive carefully; I value my life! It bugged me so much that I made an oath that I would never do that to my kids. Unless it is snowing, or it is New Year’s Eve and I think they might not realize how many drunk drivers they could encounter, I don’t. However, I do see things differently now that I am a mom. I can see that it was an expression of love, not of mistrust.
Sometimes our personal oaths are more serious. Trauma has a way of creating oaths. I lived in Oklahoma and once had to drive through the aftermath of devastation from tornadoes. I have a personal oath that I will never live in a high-tornado area without a storm shelter in my basement.
Culture
Culture provides an even bigger backdrop to the family of origin backdrop. If family of origin is the set of a stage, culture is the auditorium. Having lived overseas, I was able to experience cultural differences quite dramatically. When we lived in Italy, driving was chaotic. Lane lines were more like suggestions. If someone honked at you it was kind of a courtesy, “I am about to put your life in mortal danger, get out of the way!” instead of an indication that you were irritated at someone like it is here. Moving from Rome to the Netherlands brought a stark contrast. The Netherlands is very orderly, and the driver test is so difficult that military families had to take an all-day training to be able to pass it. Very, VERY different sense of “normal” between those two countries, but those who live in those cultures share the same “normal”, so it works.
Most often someone’s “normal” is a combination of these factors.
For example:
Certain aspects of my innate personality were either passed down to me by my parents or shaped by them. It’s impossible for me to tell what is just me and what is genetic. I have my mom’s creativity and my dad’s attention to detail and conscientiousness. It feels “normal” to me to express myself creatively, but orderly. It feels “normal” to want to make sure I am doing things ethically. (personality + family of origin = normal)
A child who is an introvert would develop a different concept of normal growing up in a houseful of extraverts vs. a houseful of introverts. (personality + family of origin = normal) If this person grew up in a culture that tends to be more reserved vs. a culture that tends to be more openly expressive, it would also change that person’s normal (personality + family of origin + culture = normal).
Someone who values money might make a personal oath, “I will not take a job that pays less than $______” (values + personal oath = normal). This is usually informed by childhood. Maybe they grew up in a home where they went without so they wanted to make sure their kids would have everything they want. (family of origin + values + personal oath = normal)
Personal growth can completely re-define your “normal”.
Most of us think of being resilient as bouncing back to how things used to be, but Froma Walsh (1) defines it as a bouncing forward into something new. It is creating a “new normal”. Your “new normal” can be informed by personal growth.
Here are some examples of how the factors above combine and “normal” can be intentionally shaped by personal growth.
Someone who experienced a lot of peer rejection could value inclusion and develop a heart for others who may feel left out. She may also live by an oath “I will never put myself in a situation where I depend on someone else.” (values + personal oath). She finds herself in a traumatic situation where she has no other choice but to ask for help and is surprised that it goes ok. Or, she marries someone who shows her she can trust others, so that becomes her “new normal”. (values + personal oath + personal growth = new normal).
A little girl who grows up only being complimented on her looks learns that she is only worthy if she is beautiful/thin. She makes an oath with herself that she will never gain weight. (family of origin + values + personal oaths) With counseling she recognizes traits of disordered eating. She gets help from a team that includes a doctor, a dietitian, and a counselor trained in eating disorders. Her “new normal” includes deliberately not checking the mirror so much, watching who she follows on social media, exercising for fun (not punishment) and choosing foods based on how they make her feel. (family of origin + values + personal oaths + personal growth = new normal)
A child who grows up in a home where only straight A’s and winning first place are rewarded learns to value achievement. (family of origin + values) She comes to counseling and learns to unravel achievement from her sense of self-worth so she can feel good about her accomplishments without being petrified of failure. She is intentional about what she allows to be “normal” in her life. (family of origin + values + personal growth = new normal)
It is important to note that the examples I gave are not the only ways someone develops those guiding beliefs. They are just examples, and it is important not to diagnose yourself based on fictional examples. I offer them to show how it can happen, that there are often multiple threads tangled up in what you may be experiencing. You may need a counselor to help you untangle them so you can knit together your “new normal”, informed by personal growth.
Often we need some help figuring out what definitions of “normal” we are living by. Which ones are optional? How to make changes? Those changes may involve boundaries. People may not like that. It can feel unsettling for you to see loved ones still stuck in the same patterns. Those patterns are familiar and foreign all at the same time. It’s confusing, and we have to find our footing. Change can be hard.
Please reach out if you want some help re-defining your “normal.” I’m here for it.
References:
(1) Walsh, F. (2002). Bouncing forward: Resilience in the aftermath of September 11. Family Process, 41(1), 34. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1545-5300.2002.40102000034.x
Jennie Sheffe is a National Certified Counselor ™ who helps women find freedom from anxiety and peace in their chaos. She sees clients virtually in the state of Pennsylvania, or in her downtown Carlisle, PA office. She offers Christian counseling and EMDR Therapy.
