Before we dive into this too much, I want to clear up some possible misconceptions about what self-care actually is, and what it’s not.

Many people seem to think that self-care is spa days and bubble baths and spending huge amounts of time and money on yourself.

Some think it is too self-focused, that it is selfish and causes people to become prideful and greedy.

I grew up recognizing advent as a symbolic way to anticipate and remember Jesus coming to earth on Christmas. This year, I created some journal prompts for each advent week. I’d love for you to journal along with me. Feel free to pick and choose the prompts that speak to you.

Compassion and understanding show up when we try to expand our polarized mindsets to include some alternate possibilities.

Gratitude. It may not feel super-effective when it is forced, but sometimes we have to force it so that we can get into the habit of being grateful. This is a quality that successfully increases with a fake it ‘til you make it approach.

The extra events and to-do list items can be tough for anyone. Those who have challenging family dynamics, grief, and/or an adjustment to some kind of new “normal” can find the holidays to be extra difficult. Anxiety ramps up, and the holidays offer a smorgasbord of unhealthy coping strategies: obligations to shop and advertising that talks you into spending more, freely-flowing alcohol and high sugar/high fat foods, endless events that can keep you from slowing down to feel your feelings, and that false reassurance that if you do enough you can make Christmas magical for everyone around you.

Last week I wrote about many factors that impact resilience.

Although they do all sort of overlap and influence each other, in my opinion, someone’s internal resources may have the most impact on their ability to effectively deal with threats and downregulate afterwards.

Internal resources are powerful because they are within our control.

We can’t control the cards that are dealt to us, but we can learn how to play the cards we have and develop skill and wisdom to accumulate more cards that will be useful in the future.

There is so much hope in the idea that resilience is possible to learn.

Nobody has a perfect, balanced life 100% of the time, because life is just not that way. It is messy and unpredictable and full of wonderful opportunities.

We miss out on things when we turn self-care and balance into rigid rules we must follow.

We also miss out on enjoying what we do when try to do too much.

It is possible to change the way you interact with your world. You can use these strategies to find ways to manage your relationships, your stress, your thoughts and feelings so that you can take care of your needs and still be there for the people you hold dear.

The saddest thing about people pleasing is that it does not actually deliver what we are looking for by coping this way. Deep down we usually long for true connection with people. We have an inherent need for this connection. There is a sense of safety in being connected to others.

We fall into the habit of people pleasing because we want to fit in, to be accepted, to be liked. We will never get there if we are always presenting a version of ourselves that we think others want.

When our own opinion matters, it is easier to be clear on where we want to spend our time, money, and emotional energy.

When we start talking about people pleasing, the word “codependent” often gets thrown into the mix. People-pleasers can be codependent, but these really are two different things.

Previously, I offered some insight about the way someone’s internal motivations are the difference between someone who is just a nice person and someone who is displaying people-pleasing behaviors.

There is another level to this .

As Christians, we want to serve others, because when we are doing this we believe we are serving God.

We know that our works do not save us, but we are overflowing with love and gratitude towards God. Serving others is a way to express that.

It is also a way to help others get a tiny glimpse of the love God has for them.

However, our sinful natures can twist this into something that is not actually serving God but serving ourselves.

I define people pleasers as people who tend to constantly meet the needs of others at the expense their own needs because they are driven by certain internal motivations that cause a desire to please others to become a need to please others.

I am a big fan of using my own lessons learned to help someone else, so I have compiled some journal prompts with military spouses in mind. Maybe your sense of identity as a military spouse could use some reflection, like mine did. Maybe you are approaching your final years in this lifestyle and need to start thinking about what comes next. Maybe you are holding onto things you need to find a way to say to your active duty spouse. Regardless of your circumstance, I hope you find these helpful.

I have been writing blog posts and putting content on my social media that directly relates to military spouses lately because I really want to drive home the importance of taking time to address your mental health, and getting started now before the year gets underway.

I wanted to extend a specific welcome, tell you why I care about you, re-cap the resources I have made available to you, and answer some questions I am guessing you may have.

It’s not easy to ask for help. I remember, as a potential client, looking at therapist profiles and thinking they all kinda sounded the same to me. I didn’t know what the letters after the counselor’s names meant. Did I need an LMFT? Or an LPC? Or a social worker? Psychologist? And what is an NCC? I hate that this is such a nebulous, difficult process, so I have compiled some considerations to hopefully make it a little easier.

Stigma, concerns for confidentiality, and an expectation of self-reliance represent internal barriers to seeking mental health help, but there are some external barriers that military spouses experience, too. These include time, effort, and logistics, such as childcare, transportation, and scheduling. How can we address these barriers?

This post can apply to any woman because I am talking about those nonmilitary stressors. The specific application to military spouses is that when we leave these things unchecked, they make the military stressors harder to deal with.

We all experience stress, but when we suffer under stress for too long, or when it hits us in a traumatic way, it is very easy to get stuck in a struggle with mental health.

Research has suggested that the mental health of the military spouse impacts the mental health of the rest of the family. But often, our solution to helping our family members stay mentally healthy is to pretend we don’t have any issues with our own mental health.